The Inseide Dope, by Bob Seidenstein

The Dope with the dope on dope

It happens every time I run into someone in My Home Town. “It’s been a great summer—” I start to say. “Whattaya mean a great summer?” they say. “It’s been raining. It’s been cold. And we’ve hardly seen the sun.” Of course, by cutting me off they don’t hear the rest ...

Smooth operator

Whenever I hear someone say, “You’re only as old as you think you are,” I immediately know two things about them. One, they’re a lot younger than me. And two, they have no idea what they’re talking about. The theory makes sense: If you think young, you are young. It ...

Unholy rollers

It happened by sheer fluke. One night a bunch of us were sitting around, shootin’ the breeze, trying to think of something to do, when Kookie spoke up. “How about bowling?” she said. “How about it?” I said. “Wanna give it a try?” she said. We all looked from one to ...

Sound off!

If I’ve learned nothing else in life, I’ve learned this: Never love a car. You can like a car, enjoy a car, even admire a car. But do not, upon pain of heartache and bankruptcy, love a car. The best proof of this is my childhood pal, Peter MacIntrye. The object of Peter’s ...

Fine Dopish Dining

Two elusive figures mystified me during my youth — one in childhood, the other in adolescence. The first was the Tooth Fairy. I knew he was real, and how could I not? I put a tooth under my pillow and the next morning the tooth was gone and a dime was in its place. There was solid ...

They who laugh last …

“I’ve got tomorrow off,” said Jen-Ex. “You wanna go on an adventure?” “An adventure?” I said. “Where to? Deepest, darkest Africa? Kathmandu? Tahiti?” “Nope,” she said. “Somewhere more exotic.” “Oh?” I said. “And where would that be?” “The garden ...

Comic relief

Last week I did something I rarely do. I left my my mountain lair and traveled to civilization — Portland, Maine. Why Portland? Because that’s where Willie Kendrick, my college bestie from Old Siwash, lives. And what did I do in Portland? Precious little. The purpose of the ...

Makes a fella proud

Our country preserves grudges much better than holidays. Two examples come to mind: Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Veterans Day was originally Armistice Day, commemorating the end of World War I. The truce was declared on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. So Armistice Day ...

Bittersweet memories

From time to time I’ll run into someone who’ll mention a column I wrote about The Good Ole Days. We’ll talk a bit, mentioning this guy,that gal, and those things. And in the course of our chat, the person’ll say, “How can you remember all that stuff? I can’t.” Well, ...

Keys to success … and failure

Half-kidding, I often say I’m a 20th century guy trapped in the 21st century. As I said, half-kidding. Anyone who’d want to go to a mid-20th century dentist would need his head examined more than his teeth. I recall those dentists — and not all that fondly — a bunch of dour ...

That infernal vernal …

When I was in college, all the literature and history majors studied Classical Greece. And there was no debate about it — they were required courses. The thinking behind that was Greece was where it all began, as far as we were concerned — “we” being western civilization. Every ...

The case of the missing case

Last week I mentioned one of the vicissitudes of aging — memory loss. Maybe the real issue isn’t loss, per se, but degree of loss. It’s a tough number for me to call, due to my being on the horns of dilemma. On the one horn, logically, I know my mind doesn’t work as well as it ...

Just one of those months…

We’ve all had “one of those days.” But have you ever had “one of those months”? Well, I just got done with one. It started with a mistake in one of my columns. I wrote about how hard it was for me to learn to tell time and I said my mother taught me the big hand told the ...

The closest call

Last Saturday My Home Town acquitted itself admirably in the field of ethnic celebration. I am referring, of course, to our St. Patrick’s Day parade. There’d be no doubt I’d be there. When any group of my fellow local yokels decides to organize and execute an activity, and are doing ...

What’s white and grey and blue all over?

This week, the Dope is taking a break from his column, turning it over to his alter ego, The Poet Laureate of Lakeview Deli — Rober Frostbite. Geoffrey Chaucer, the best known poet In English history, Wrote a line, endlessly quoted, That to me’s a mystery. ...

Rocky Mountain hi and bye

I’ll never forget learning how to tell time. Or more exactly, I’ll never forget struggling to learn how to tell time. I was in second or third grade. I can’t remember exactly because they didn’t teach us how to tell time in school. Back then, they had a quaint notion it was the ...

Local color, at its worst

On the side of his house was a sign my pal Ed Woodward had made. It said, “Any plan, even a poor plan, is better than no plan at all.” Certainly, Ed knew what he was talking about. As a World War II Commodore in the Pacific, he commanded a flotilla of nine Destroyer Escorts. And more ...

Occasions of state

My initial contact with the word “fortnight” was in my early teens, and it was love at first read. It’s an old-timey word, at this point probably archaic. Certainly, I never hear it spoken, and any current writing that contains it is probably a bodice ripper. It means a two ...

Warm temps, warmer memories

No two Winter Carnivals are ever the same. There’s always a new theme, new king, queen and court, new folks in town, and the list goes on. But two things almost always happen, from year to year, decade to decade. One happens when Carnival’s over, the dust has settled, and the last ...

It takes a whole village to raise a ruckus

Off the coast of Norway is The Mother of All Whirlpools. It’s called the Saltstraumen Maelstrom and is considered the world’s wildest whirlpool. Rumor has it that if any ship gets near its outer ring, it’ll be sucked in and swriled down to Davy Jones’ Locker faster than you can ...