This week when Mad Magazine announced it had stopped publishing, I wasn’t surprised. It was bound to happen in a society like ours — post-literate, if not il-literate. So while I wasn’t surprised, I was sad. And why wouldn’t I be, since Mad was one of the major influences of my ...

It’s been over 20 years since The Foote Rest closed, and no fortnight has gone by that I haven’t mourned its passing. The Foote Rest was a cafe across from the Adult Center, before it was the Eat ’n’ Meet. Its owner, CFO, chief cook and bottle washer was Don Foote, who in my ...

I got up at the crack of 10, refreshed, renewed and ready to fly over the asphalt. OK, maybe “fly over” is too strong a term. How about “hobble sorta quickly”? Normally, while I want exercise, I don’t really push myself on my daily constitutional. And why would I, since I ...

It happens every time I run into someone in My Home Town. “It’s been a great summer—” I start to say. “Whattaya mean a great summer?” they say. “It’s been raining. It’s been cold. And we’ve hardly seen the sun.” Of course, by cutting me off they don’t hear the rest ...

Whenever I hear someone say, “You’re only as old as you think you are,” I immediately know two things about them. One, they’re a lot younger than me. And two, they have no idea what they’re talking about. The theory makes sense: If you think young, you are young. It ...

It happened by sheer fluke. One night a bunch of us were sitting around, shootin’ the breeze, trying to think of something to do, when Kookie spoke up. “How about bowling?” she said. “How about it?” I said. “Wanna give it a try?” she said. We all looked from one to ...

If I’ve learned nothing else in life, I’ve learned this: Never love a car. You can like a car, enjoy a car, even admire a car. But do not, upon pain of heartache and bankruptcy, love a car. The best proof of this is my childhood pal, Peter MacIntrye. The object of Peter’s ...

Two elusive figures mystified me during my youth — one in childhood, the other in adolescence. The first was the Tooth Fairy. I knew he was real, and how could I not? I put a tooth under my pillow and the next morning the tooth was gone and a dime was in its place. There was solid ...

“I’ve got tomorrow off,” said Jen-Ex. “You wanna go on an adventure?” “An adventure?” I said. “Where to? Deepest, darkest Africa? Kathmandu? Tahiti?” “Nope,” she said. “Somewhere more exotic.” “Oh?” I said. “And where would that be?” “The garden ...

Last week I did something I rarely do. I left my my mountain lair and traveled to civilization — Portland, Maine. Why Portland? Because that’s where Willie Kendrick, my college bestie from Old Siwash, lives. And what did I do in Portland? Precious little. The purpose of the ...

Our country preserves grudges much better than holidays. Two examples come to mind: Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Veterans Day was originally Armistice Day, commemorating the end of World War I. The truce was declared on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. So Armistice Day ...

From time to time I’ll run into someone who’ll mention a column I wrote about The Good Ole Days. We’ll talk a bit, mentioning this guy,that gal, and those things. And in the course of our chat, the person’ll say, “How can you remember all that stuff? I can’t.” Well, ...

Half-kidding, I often say I’m a 20th century guy trapped in the 21st century. As I said, half-kidding. Anyone who’d want to go to a mid-20th century dentist would need his head examined more than his teeth. I recall those dentists — and not all that fondly — a bunch of dour ...

When I was in college, all the literature and history majors studied Classical Greece. And there was no debate about it — they were required courses. The thinking behind that was Greece was where it all began, as far as we were concerned — “we” being western civilization. Every ...

Last week I mentioned one of the vicissitudes of aging — memory loss. Maybe the real issue isn’t loss, per se, but degree of loss. It’s a tough number for me to call, due to my being on the horns of dilemma. On the one horn, logically, I know my mind doesn’t work as well as it ...

We’ve all had “one of those days.” But have you ever had “one of those months”? Well, I just got done with one. It started with a mistake in one of my columns. I wrote about how hard it was for me to learn to tell time and I said my mother taught me the big hand told the ...

Last Saturday My Home Town acquitted itself admirably in the field of ethnic celebration. I am referring, of course, to our St. Patrick’s Day parade. There’d be no doubt I’d be there. When any group of my fellow local yokels decides to organize and execute an activity, and are doing ...

This week, the Dope is taking a break from his column, turning it over to his alter ego, The Poet Laureate of Lakeview Deli — Rober Frostbite. Geoffrey Chaucer, the best known poet In English history, Wrote a line, endlessly quoted, That to me’s a mystery. ...

I’ll never forget learning how to tell time. Or more exactly, I’ll never forget struggling to learn how to tell time. I was in second or third grade. I can’t remember exactly because they didn’t teach us how to tell time in school. Back then, they had a quaint notion it was the ...

On the side of his house was a sign my pal Ed Woodward had made. It said, “Any plan, even a poor plan, is better than no plan at all.” Certainly, Ed knew what he was talking about. As a World War II Commodore in the Pacific, he commanded a flotilla of nine Destroyer Escorts. And more ...