Law Enforcement Appreciation Day is Jan. 9 and I’m bored. Time for a story! This commentary is in honor of all the law enforcement officers out there, past and present. Those yet unborn, I will deal with you later.

One summer day (2015?) I was driving my death-wish AKA 1992 Geo Metro in town. At 1,600 pounds soaking wet, the four-seat Geo Metro is about as safe as a 1968 VW Bug.

When I got the car, I was going to mount a big wooden wind-up key on the back as a joke, but figured that would be taking things too far, so I settled for a metronome glued to the dashboard instead. The metronome would oscillate side to side as I drove like a bobble head.

To the one woman in town who understood the pun, I should have married you. I kept in the Metro an unopened package of German Stollen (Christmas fruit cake). It was purchased at Aldi’s the prior December.

Yes, it was sitting in the Geo Metro for at least half a year, smothered in dog hair (my fur baby sheds a lot), waiting for just the right moment to be used as God intended. The package said it was made with rum. I had just passed Casa on my right and was just shy of the marina and NBT Bank. I saw police lights in the rear-view mirror. I pulled the Metro over to the side and stopped.

It was a Saranac Lake police officer. He walked over and saw I was wearing my seat belt and mumbled, “Oh, you are wearing your seat belt.” He was very apologetic for stopping me.

I sensed I had the momentary psychological advantage. To test the waters, I asked him if the prom was last week (He did look awfully young). He laughed, so I decided to push my luck. I told him I had something I wanted to say to law enforcement for a long time, could I confess now? He said, sure.

“Look at this, officer. I’m in possession of Stollen merchandise and some of it’s alcohol,” I said with a smile while holding up the package for him to see.

“Uh, sir … you can prove you did purchase this?”

“Of course,” I replied. “I bought it at Aldi’s last winter. But look, it’s called Stollen, so technically I am in possession of Stollen merchandise! Get it? Stollen merchandise. Get it?”

He looked at the package as I pointed to the word CHRISTMAS STOLLEN and MADE WITH RUM on the unopened cellophane wrapper.

“Sir, you did purchase this … right?”

“Yes, dude! It’s a joke, get it? Stollen is the name of the product.”

He repeated “But you did purchase it … right?”

Maybe I should have talked backwards like Yoda? Eventually, he got the point:

“So … you leave a package of Christmas treats in your car to joke with an officer if stopped?”

“Yup! Kinda like having a spare tire, but for traffic stops. But here is the best part: You can now go to your boss and say, without being a liar, ‘I stopped this guy and he volunteered he was in possession of Stollen merchandise … and that some of it was alcohol. But he had a sense of humor so I let him go. That was OK, right, boss?'”

I don’t know if he followed up with my suggestion. I never saw him again. If he did, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in his police station.

All kidding aside: Thank you to all the law enforcement out there keeping us safe.

Just a thought … and … I got that seat belt buckled up FAST!

——

Ira Weinberg is a resident of Saranac Lake.