Even though Winter Carnival is in full swing, I wrote this before the coronation, when I had no idea who our king and queen would be. But guess what? If I were writing this as the coronation began, I’d STILL have no idea. And I’m a Winter Carnival Committee member no less!

The kings and queens are chosen through a process of nominations submitted by anyone in the community who so wants. This list is narrowed down and submitted to a committee of former kings and queens — the Crown Prince of Tonga, the Nawab of Pataudi and the Maharaja of Jaipur — who then make the final selection. But here’s the thing about that committee: Their only rival for keeping a secret is The Council of Cardinals. So, other than the holiest of holies, no one knows who the royal pair are till it’s announced in the coronation.

It’s amazing, really. We all know My Home Town is internationally-renowned as a tuberculosis cure center and vacation paradise. But what’s less well known is it’s also a world-class gossips’ haven. If you don’t know that, you don’t know any locals. If, for example, some young couple decides to get married, the town’ll know it before the rest of their family. It might be considered mere small-town pettiness, but I like to think of it as a lost art of bygone days, before electronic media hijacked our consciousness.

Anyway, for all our skills in minding each other’s business, when it comes to finding out who our Carnival kings and queens are, we might as well be in a coma. But, ultimately, that doesn’t matter, because we know they’ll be a perfect choice.

I don’t really have time to dwell on the coronation and royal succession because there are just too many other Carnival things going on. There are so many, in fact, that rather than making any major list here, I’ll just tell you to go to the SL Winter Carnival website and knock yourself out. One of the great things about our Carnival (that I don’t think many others can boast about) is all official Carnival events are free. Yep, that’s right — free as our cold, crisp, snot-freezing air. There are other, unofficial, events that charge admission, and they’ll also be listed on the website.

And just FYI, the reason our Carnival events are free is because all the workers are volunteers and we have generous sponsors. Moreover, our buttons, drawn by Garry Trudeau, best-known as a Saranac Lake native, but also known for his artwork, bring in lots of vital moolah to keep us in the black.

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Shameless hams

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As I said, there’s mega-scads of official WC events, but there are also a couple of unofficial ones that I think deserve official status. They are two of our Carnival-time bar bands. One is The Darkside Skinny Dippers; the other is Big Boss Sausage and the Missing Links.

Big Boss Sausage (along, I presume, with the Links) has been coming here for many years, maybe even decades and are as much a Carnival fixture as Bloody Marys on parade morning. And more than just playing music, they embody Carnival spirit as well as the hardcore locals. Because I’ve been in the parade for the last 15 years, I haven’t actually watched one, so I don’t know if BBS are still in it. But they were for a long time and added a really nice vibe to the goings-on.

If you wanna see them in action, just hie yourself up to Bitters and Bones on Friday, Feb. 13, where they’ll be gigging from 3 to 7 p.m. I guarantee they’re worth the price of admission … especially since it’s free.

Now here’s something for our Powers That Be to chew on. While the town offers various awards and honors for meritorious contributions, they lack one thing I believe is vital — presenting The Key to the City. I don’t know if any cities in This Great Land of Ours still carry out that tradition, but I hope they do because it has a lot more charm and class than the standard plaque or certificate. But what does that have to do with Winter Carnival, you ask? Just keep reading, willya.

I believe Big Boss Sausage, for their contribution to Carnival and their great spirit, deserves a key to the city. Of course, there has to be an official proclamation and ceremony, so it’s up to our high mucky-mucks to do the actual legwork. But if they do and the glorious ceremony comes to pass, I think because it was my idea, I should be the one to present the key. If you can think of someone more appropriate, kindly keep it to yourself.

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The Tinnitus Trio

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My other rave-fave Carnival bar band is our homegrown locos, The Darkside Skinny Dippers. Their head lunatic is Josh Clement and they are a high-energy, high-decibel, hijinks pack of wild men. Josh, contrary to a lot of bar band guys, is a clothes horse and always has costumes and accessories of some sort. I think of his outfits as designed by Bootsy Collins — if Bootsy had been an SL local. Regardless of what vines he’s styling, they’re always be fun to see.

They’ll be playing in The Rusty Nail right after the parade, from 3 to 7 p.m., and there’s no admission fee. But now it’s Caveat Time in the Adirondacks: If I said the joint is jammed to the rafters, I’d be using my legendary understatement. If (and this is one big-ass IF) you manage to get in there after the parade, you’d best be at least 5’8″ and weigh no more than 88 pounds. I’ve made a few attempts, but given my yard-wide shoulders and bulging biceps, never managed to get past the door. Not to discourage you, I won’t say it’s the most crowded place I’ve ever been. Then again, I’ve also ridden the Mumbai subway during rush hour, so maybe my definition of “crowded” might be a bit skewed when talking about the TDSK and the Nail. Then again, it might NOT be.

Because my parade unit, The Brothers of the Bush, sets up pretty early, I’ve no idea when the Nail gets full on parade day. But from what I’ve deduced, I think there’s actually a pre-parade sleepover in it, and no one has ever actually entered the place day-of.

If you are one of the anointed and manage to score an entry on parade day, I recommend you bring a pair of earplugs. Don’t worry about them drowning out the conversation — you’ve heard it all before.

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A pair that beats a full house

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There are two activities I’d like to briefly mention because I think each lends a unique air to Carnival goofiness.

First is The Blue Buns Wheel-a-Palooza. It’s a two-lap bike ride around town, led by SL’s Finest. This’ll be the fourth year, and part of the fun is seeing the costumes peeps wear and how they trick out their bikes. It’s this Sunday, it starts and ends at the Palace and riders are asked to show up no later than 12:45 so they can register. You can also register online on the Carnival website. This year, the mob will have at its head Flyin’ Brian and the Greene Machine, also known as The Dewey Mountain Divas. Doug the Thug Haney and his crew will be helping people line up (so we don’t interfere with handicap access in the parking lot). Oh yeah, I almost forgot: Everyone will be required to wear a bathing suit, but for the wimps (like me), you can wear it over as many layers as you want.

What about the weather predictions for super-low temps and high winds? Fake news, all of it.

The other activity is The Chucklehead Hoedown. It will be held in The Garagery on Thursday, Feb. 12. The CH is a comedy hour of a very special type: It’s family-friendly, thus not improv, stand-up or storytelling. Instead, it’s a venue for peeps to tell jokes, puns, riddles, chiastics, nonsense poems (of their own or published — Ogden Nash’s stuff is my recommendation). It starts at 6 p.m., but if you want to be one of the jokesters, show up early so they can arrange a line-up. Doors open at 5:30 p.m. It’s listed as ending at 8 p.m. but may end earlier if we run outta corn (and NOT of the popped variety). Live music will be provided by Smilin’ Kyle and the Con Brio Trio.

There’s no admission charge, but it’s labeled A Fun Raiser since a food item or a few bucks for our local food pantry are encouraged. Drinks are available, and you can get munchies from upstairs in the Scullery. Keep in mind, no joke is too corny, no riddle too hokey and no pun too punitive. Oh yeah, the CH’s motto is Make America Silly Again, something I think we’re desperately in need of.

Finally, I’m not plugging these last two events because they’re my creations, so don’t even get that idea.