I’ve always enjoyed studying logic as a game of sorts. Proof that I’ve never been serious about it is how I’ve lived my life. It’s like me and sea stories: From an early age, I’ve loved reading about ships on the bounding main … but not enough to want to actually BE on one.

If you’ve ever dabbled with logic, then you know one thing to avoid is committing the Black/White fallacy. Essentially, it’s a fallacy of oversimplification, where you take a situation that offers several choices, but you reduce it to only two. The classic example was the too-popular bumper sticker/t-shirt/graffiti of the Turbulent Sixties: “America: Love It Or Leave It.”

It’s simple, it’s neat, and it automatically makes anyone who disagrees with it a traitor. Like… “Well, I love the country, but there’s a lot of stuff I don’t love. So do I gotta leave, like move somewhere foreign? Since I don’t have a passport, would northern Alabama be foreign enough?”

Of course, that simplification ignored a third option (which also became a bumper sticker/t-shirt/graffiti): “America: Love It And Change It.” Sensible, valid, and either ignored or hated by the Either-Or bunch.

All that said, there is one generalization that is undyingly true: People either love thrift shops, or they do not.

I realize some readers will immediately bristle with outrage.

“I like thrift shops a lot and you’re fulla crap!” they’ll shout.

An expected reaction, and one I’m used to. But it’s also based on emotion, not logic. I never said people don’t like thrift shops — of course they do. I’m just not interested in those folks. It’s my fellow Thrift Shop LOVERS I care about.

And as for difference between Love and Like, and if you think there’s not a lot, do this: Next Valentine’s Day send your sweetie flowers and chocolates and address the card to “The like of my life.” You’ll get a whole lot of smiles, hugs and liking in return, I’d bet.

Ultimately, the diff ‘tween thrift shop likers and Thrift Shop Lovers is — to quote the Bard — the difference between the quick and the dead.

The likers go in a thrift shop, usually somewhat self-consciously, walk around, give a casual glance here and there, check this, check that. Then, if their eyes don’t light on something utterly fabulous (a Mont Blanc fountain pen for three bucks, or a North Face parka in perfect condition for ten) they’re outta there, lickity split.

But that ain’t how we TSL’s roll, nohow.

First, when we go in the store it’s with a palpable aura of excitement. Maybe this time will be The One! Maybe we’ll get, not just a good score, but The Score of the Century, something so wonderful it’ll be talked about by TSL’s for years, maybe decades. It’d have the same impact as pitching a perfect World Series Game, climbing K-2, or discovering a cure for cancer.

But what if we DON’T find TSOTC? Well then, we don’t.

The thing is no TSL worth their dollar bags give a hoot about big scores. Yeah, sure, if we get one it’s a blast, and one that comes with a bunch of bragging rights. But it’s also against steep odds. Essentially, thrift shopping is gambling, just a whole lot better. Because while you might win big in a thrift shop, there’s no way you can lose. And like the gamblers, you get a good adrenaline buzz. So they go into the casino for the same reason we go into a thrift shop, except that regardless of the results, we always leave ahead of the game.

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The basics of the game

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All right, that’s some basic background. Now let’s get into the real nitty-gritty — what makes thrift shopping far superior to retail spoddy-o-doh?

Of course price is a huge consideration, but it’s not the only one. To a TSL, anyone who pays retail prices when they could pay pennies on the dollar, while they may be doing great things for the American free enterprise system, are losing both the money they could spend elsewhere and some fun times.

Next, if you’re of a patriotic bent and want anything made in the Good Ole USA — clothes, tools, appliances, kitchenware — there’s only one place you’re gonna find it in the Good Ole USA today, and that’s in thrift shops. It may take a keen eye and multiple trips, but you will score, which is more than you’ll ever do in any department store — even the high-end ones.

The Made in USA things will of course be old, since we haven’t produced anything here in decades except junk food and discord, but here’s The Big Secret: In the nooks and crannies of closets in homes across This Great Land of Ours are literally tons and tons of clothes made in USA that have been lying there either hardly worn or never worn at all. And in the attics and cellars are fine tools, toys and God knows what else.

Who knows why? Maybe they were impulse buys, or gifts the receiver never wanted, or items that soon got replaced by an improved version. But regardless of the reason, those things regularly get fished out and sent to thrift shops. I can’t tell you how many things I’ve found in thrift shops with their original tags still attached.

Next, because you never know what you’ll find, there’s the thrill of the hunt. Let’s say you want a yellow dress shirt with a button-down collar. You go in Marshalls or TJ Max, go to the shirt section, buy it, and leave. Big deal. You knew you were gonna do it and you did. It is, to use an expression so old it was popular when we still produced things here: It’s like shootin’ fish in a barrel.

See, you can’t go in a thrift shop with a specific purchase in mind, like the afore-mentioned shirt. But if you DO want that shirt and you find it? It’s thrills galore! And if you don’t find it? It’s still Game On, because if you mill around long enough and you’ll find some other bargain for sure. Maybe not a shirt, but a book you always wanted to read, a new paring knife, a scarf, or if all else fails, a travel mug or a Tupperware container (maybe even with the original cover).

Finally, in case you didn’t know, thrift shops are charities, so any money you give them directly helps peeps who are less well off than us. So if you want, you’ve got the added pleasure of thinking of yourself as a low-rent philanthropist. The same goes for when you GIVE stuff to the thrift shops, because you know it’ll make someone’s day better.

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The rules of the game

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So much for the basics; now let me know tell you The Code of Thrift Shop Lover.

In case you never knew there was such a thing, I’m here to tell you there sure is. And I should know, since I thought it up about a half hour ago.

Rule One: When someone says they found a thrift shop you didn’t know about, you NEVER ask, “Is it a good one?” That’s about as tasteless and inappropriate as asking someone if they still love their spouse. All TSL’s know, to paraphrase Father Flanagan, there is no such thing as a bad thrift shop. Treasures always await. The only “problem” is they may not await you on this trip. If so, they’ll be there sometime. And if you aints got the patience to keep coming back, you aints got the stuff of a TSL. Period.

Rule Two: This flies in the face of conventional etiquette, but let’s face it: A lot of conventional etiquette is nonsense. This rule states that anytime someone compliments you on some score, let’s say a beautiful hand-knit sweater, you have to give them the full provenance. So they say, “Wow, what a great sweater!” And you say, “Yep, paid three bucks for it in Thrifty and Nifty.” Oh yeah, you also have to say it with total nonchalance, like ain’t but a thang. This implies you cop deals like that every time you shop. And if the person asking isn’t a TSL, while your breach of conventional manners might take them aback, it’ll also make them feel at least a twinge of envy. So let’s hear if for you, and to hell with Emily Post.

But if that person IS a TSL? Then Rule Three goes in effect. This states the TSL in turn must first congratulate you on your good tastes and luck, and then they have to tell you THEIR latest score. It’s not an act of bragging, so much as bonding. If you don’t understand it, don’t feel bad, but you’re probably not cut out for what we TSL’s consider The Big Time.

The fourth and last rule is, since the thrift shops are for charity, all the workers are volunteers, and the prices are less than rock bottom, if you can, when it comes to paying for your wares, always throw in some extra bread.

And I believe this bread, like the stuff in Ecclesiastes, will pay you back in spades.