I’ve always thought of the world of alternative lifestyles as a mixed bag. And why wouldn’t I, since it runs the gamut from pragmatic to lunatic.

Me, I’m a guy who checks things out, reserves judgment, and then picks and chooses. But some things I’ll dismiss from the get-go, according to my Instant Dismissal Rules.

Instant Dismissal Rule Number One: Anything that claims 100% success and instant results is doo-doo, no matter how ya cut it or who says so.

I.D. Rule Number Two: If the person in charge of the organization promoting their product is super-charming and a gazillionaire, they’re a con and it’s a scam (Note: I also apply this rule to religious leaders of all ilks).

I.D. Rule Number Three: Anecdote is not proof. In other words, if drinking fermented prune juice with crushed jalapenos and a big slug of cod liver oil cured your Uncle Buck’s acid reflux, more power to him. But I need a lot more examples and some scientific testing before I take the leap.

So who and what to believe?

Good question.

The place to start is what I always told my students: DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Ultimately, since it concerns your welfare, it’s up to you to figure it out. If you can get the opinion of an expert (as opposed to a hustler), that can save you all sorts of time and effort. This is how I solved The Case of My Staph-Ravaged Snot Locker.

It seemed to have struck me overnight, no kidding. One day both I and my Fine Semitic Nose were A-OK … and the next day I felt as if some fiend was jamming red-hot needles in my nostrils. I applied warm sea salt compresses religiously, but when nothing changed after five days, I went to the doctor. He took one look, said it was a staph infection and gave me a script for a 10-day course of antibiotics.

He then told me several times to take all the pills exactly when I was supposed to till they were gone, which I did. The infection went away and I was pain-free … for about a year. Then, like the first time, it was suddenly back. And also like the first time, I was back at the doc’s. Another 10-day course of antibiotics and it was gone. Or more exactly, rather than G-O-N-E, it had taken another leave of absence.

See, that’s the thing about staph infections: They’re like chronic debtors — no matter how long they stay away, you can bet your bip they’re gonna come back. From what I understand, staph stays on our skin all the time. Then when a tiny crack appears, it can rush in and raise hell like a sudden visit by Genghis and the boys. And since tiny cracks in one’s skin are inevitable, so too were my recurring infections.

But when it comes to health woes, my occasionally hurting beezer is small potatoes. Painful? Yeah. Annoying? Yeah. But serious or worrisome? Not really — as long as it doesn’t spread. Cuz if it does, it can lead to brain abscess, meningitis or a really horrid-sounding thing called cavernous sinus thrombosis. Thus, ultimately, it is at least a tad worrisome.

So as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, I bravely shlepped on, year in and year out, with occasional staph outbreaks (or would they strictly speaking be IN-breaks?) and courses of antibiotics. At least I shlepped ’till Kookie roared to the rescue.

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Help from Down Under

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All right, I confess: If you know Kookie, you know she doesn’t roar either to rescues or anything else. But she always comes through in pinches (of the figurative kind) and she has for the 45 years we’ve been pals. But you might ask yourself, what does the dear girl know about infected shnozzes? As it turned out, she knows just enough.

There I was, once again nostrilically-afflicted, and I happened to bemoan my sad condition to her.

“Whattaya do for it?” she asked.

“Take antibiotics,” I said.

“Hmm,” she said.

“Hmm, what?” I said.

“Have you ever tried any herbal cures?” she said.

“Don’t know any,” I said.

“Well, I can make a tea tree oil salve for you,” she said.

“What’s tea tree oil?”

“It’s an oil made from the leaves of an Australian tree. It was a staple of Aboriginal medicine, but it’s used all over the world now,” she said.

“For what?”

“All sorts of things,” she said. “It’s antifungal, anti-inflammatory and antibiotic.”

“Well,” I said, “as long as it’s not anti-Semitic, I’m IN.”

“I can’t guarantee that,” she said. “But I’d say the odds are in your favor.”

Then she added — most gratuitously, I thought, “And in your case, ODD is the operating word.”

A day passed, and then she handed me a 35 millimeter film can (remember them?) filled with a mysterious-looking, greenish glop. I took a sniff. It also had a mysterious, but not unpleasant, smell. If it’d been handed to me by a strange old, black-garbed crone who lived in a cabin in the middle of the woods, I would’ve run away in a flash. But since Kookie was a strange young crone who lived in Bloomingdale, I decided to give it a try.

And good thing I did, because within minutes of my applying it, the pain was gone. Then a few days later when I quit using it, the pain STAYED gone, as did the infection.

Over the years I’ve had flare-ups in the old nares, but few and in between. And when I do, the tea tree oil salve works its wonders, post haste. And of course I always keep a jar of it on hand, just in case.

So I’m now a believer in alternative medicine, right?

Not so fast, podner.

When it comes to alternative medicine, conventional medicine, alternative lifestyles and conventional lifestyles, and everything else, I’m a skeptic. I don’t automatically accept the word of true believers of any ilk, nor do I automatically accept the word of naysayers. Instead, I check things out, case by case, do my homework, and after that, I make my decision.

There is, however, one exception: When it comes to my acid reflux, I’ll stick with Omeprazole, and’ll give Uncle Buck’s miracle cure a wide, WIDE berth.