I like to think I don’t have a favorite child. I also know my favorite child was the one causing the least amount of stress. With only two children, I never thought about it as picking a favorite, but more as surviving the ups and downs of parenting. I didn’t know if my children felt I had “a chosen one.” If so, how did I go about demonstrating it?

I asked my daughter whether she felt I gave her preferential treatment over her brother. She stated it really depended on the day. I asked her to elaborate on my mercurial parenting skills. She brought up a list of examples when her brother completely consumed my energy, and other times, my focus was on her. It depended on which person was sick or what was happening in our lives. I spent my energy trying to balance their needs. She wondered if favoritism could spring from sibling rivalry. Since she and her sibling held different interests and weren’t competitive as children, a favorite child wasn’t widely apparent.

A friend of mine with an only child tells me that even though her son is usually her favorite, there are still times when she favors her imaginary child’s perfect manners.

According to a recent New York Times article, “Do Parents Have a Favorite Child? Of course they do,” Teddy Rosenbluth summarizes long-term studies tracking mothers’ answers and actions to specific questions such as “Which child do you spend more resources on?” or “Whom do you feel emotionally closer with?” The data overwhelmingly shows most parents have a favorite child, whether due to gender, birth order or agreeable personality traits. Another outcome from the data is that as long as children felt a discrepancy, it didn’t matter if parents actually were favoring one sibling over another. The perceived inequity followed the person into adulthood with mental health consequences.

My biggest walkaway was the need to keep including children in conversations. Favoritism looks different to a child. If one sibling needs homework help or a ride to a sports activity, life can look unbalanced to the child staying home or dragging along to an event. I’m not saying a parent needs to make every action equal, but children are smart. We can listen to their fears or judgment and perhaps become better parents.

I haven’t asked my son if he felt that I had a favorite child. I’ll be curious about his thoughts. If I were to have a favorite today, I’d choose my puppy. She hasn’t learned to talk back. Good luck! Parenting is challenging.