Barbara Rexilius

There are so many people that have a been a part of my mom’s life and death journey, I hardly know where to begin. We have been blessed with understanding, giving friends, neighbors, and family. Always checking in, stopping by, calling, texting, or writing to offer support, a kind word, help with a random task, to lend an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold.

I tear up just thinking about it. How did we get so lucky?

What an amazing community we live in. Without you, all, I could not have given my mom what she wanted most from the time she had left; to live every day to the fullest, being productive and in control to the greatest extent possible, in her home, with her things about her.

Mom had so much to share with the world. To her there was just the next growth opportunity and she looked for people to be a part of the give and take of the journey. She saw the potential in all and attempted to weave the many into groups that would appreciate and grow from each other’s influences. All deserve my thanks.

The M/C’s or “Motley Crew”: Susan Arnold, Sue Abbot-Jones, Arlene Tinkler, were all an everyday part of our final journey. Vigilant for any part they could play, weather it was to give me a small reprieve to sleep for a few uninterrupted minutes, or to play with my overly energetic dog so that I could focus on mom’s needs, or to sit with mom and allow her to dictate the stories she had still unfinished in her head. Stories that she wanted to surprise my brother and I with upon her death. One final gift.

Book club I &II: Sue Abbot-Jones, Gail Billerman, Sarah Clarkin,Sonia Fluhmann, Diane Fortado, Katrine Kretser, Janet Lorenzo, Ann Merkle, Sandra Mishanec, Beckie O’neill, Yvette Poirier, Chris Schmeichel, Janet Sweeney.

Meeting in our home only a couple weeks before her passing to share thoughts and inspirations from the chosen literature of the day, it was obvious that they had become closer than merely the books that the meetings were about. Mom was very proud of the abilities in each of her club friends, often bragging like a proud parent to me afterwards.

North Country Community College and her nursing friends were almost interchangeable as so many were a part of both groups. She loved being a part of the monthly breakfasts at the college providing her an opportunity once again to be a part of the educational, growth experience and share her knowledge base with the current leaders of NCCC, which she hoped would help them find their way in these difficult times.

Pivotal NCCC/nursing friends were Anne Kraus (Redmond,Oregon), Lynn Sarr (Fairport), and Judy Genaway (North Bangor), who each successively visited from a distance, in mom’s last three weeks, to pay their respects and assist me in this arduous process of helping mom to pass. Make no mistake, it was a difficult process, though never in denial and with minimal anger and depression, mom chose to use hers and each of our nursing skill sets to maintain control of her circumstances as much as possible. For a nurse such as my mom, it was critical to have other nurses that she trusted and whose abilities she believed in to confer with and reason out her circumstances and adjust her view on the change in care that would be necessary to help mitigate her more distressing symptoms. It was in the awareness brought about by each joint assessment that she found her baby-steps to acceptance and to the ability to let go. You are all priceless to me.

Her canoe buddies the Timbies(Tom and Pam) were unable to get up to the Adirondacks before her passing, but they kept her going with regular e-mails from themselves and their dog Mollie. Mom loved their correspondence and shared it with me whenever it came in, until the point when I was the one sharing with her due to her diminished abilities. The joy and laughter it brought all throughout her journey was undoubtedly the best medicine of all. We will call it “puppy power”. Thanks Mollie.

Our neighbors are another story; Deanna and Dale Gonyea and Jen and Dustin Fuller. Finer people you cannot find. They have watched at a distance for years as mom aged and her health waned. Subtly checking up on mom whenever she was out of norm in some way, maybe too long in the woods, or too long without making an appearance out of the house. It was comforting to know that mom’s presence mattered to someone and that they would discretely check on her or suggest to me with equal discretion their concern. Additionally, in the last two months, Dale has gone out of his way to help me maintain my mother’s lawn. At first helping me side-by-side, to mow her lawn weekly and then as my time was more crucial with mom, he just did it on his own, understanding fully where my attention must be and also understanding the high expectation my mom would still have for her property’s appearance.

Finally, the family. I was blessed to have the support of my kids: Chaos Rexilius-Tuthill (Camp Pendleton, California), Michael Tuthill (Iowa), and Danielle Tuthill (West Hollywood, California) as well as my ex-husband Kevin Tuthill up until my mom’s passing. The kids, from a distance lending support with phone calls and messaging, while Kevin stopped weekly for conversation and banter as well as to check his list of must dos on the fridge.

My brother Marcus and sister-in-law Lawann (Arlington, Texas), deferred from a distance, to my guidance on mom’s abilities from day to day and supported my efforts to provide care for her needs unconditionally.

On the last day of mom’s life, there was a change in her status which prompted me to ask her friends, for the day, for myself, with my mom. I had been sharing her every day since we found ourselves on this end of things and I needed to make this one mine and my families. I took care to discussed her status with her when she woke. She agreed with my assessment and plan of care and once we had our understanding of the direction she was now taking, I raised each grandchild and my brother and allow them all time with mom on the phone to say their goodbyes. Then Kevin stopped in on his way home and did the same. Mom and I finished the evening together alone with Nyx (her grand-dog) and Frankie (her cat) taking turns providing bedside care with me.

Mom passed peacefully, in her sleep, enveloped in the love of the day and weeks and months preceding her passing. Thank you all. We could not have done it without you.

A final thanks to Hospice, which was also a part of our journey. They inconspicuously wove their care around all of us, doing their darnedest to never overshadow our moments with an intrusive presence, but to subtly provide the tools necessary for the adjustment in mom’s care as the need arose.

With love and appreciation to all,

Reiko A. Rexilius, favorite daughter of Barbara Rexilius