Last week’s column elicited some readers’ comments that I have to respond to.

The column was about suspenders. It focused on why men who are adipose-endowed should quit wearing belts, and switch to suspenders for their sole source of support.

The reason is simple: No matter how tight those guys tie their belts, they’ll only hold up their peristalsis, not their pants. And even worse than any intestinal damage will be their humiliation, as both gravity and levity join forces, to keep their trou sliding off their dupas, headed to the center of good ole Terra, as per Ike Newton.

So to condense that column into one stirring, old-time-like sentence: Give up your belts, boys, before they give up on you.

Now a brief tutorial on suspenders…

Essentially, suspenders can be divided into two groups. One is for The Big City Movers and Shakers (and their wannabes) and are strictly for low-activity indoor wear. They have thin straps (maybe 1 1/4″ wide), flimsy elastic, and come in a dazzling array of colors and designs. Thus, when those big shots strut around the office, suit coat off, shirt sleeves rolled up, Rolex (genuine or wannabe) shining, their inferiors can look upon them and despair, knowing they (TBCMaS) mean BIZNESS.

While TBCMaS suspenders may mean bizness, the second kind of suspenders The Working Man’s, actually take care of it. Or to put it another way, if TBCMaS’s braces are the twinks of the suspender world; TWM are the rough trade. There to bury Caesar, not praise him, they’re two inches wide with thick straps of either industrial strength elastic or some inflexible fabric like polypropylene, and they hold on with a grip that’d make Killer Kowalski turn green with envy.

Some TWM pairs might have decorations; for example, my pal Creighton Fee had a pair that were bright yellow yardsticks — perfectly appropriate for a master surveyor. But there isn’t a wide selection of designs because the folks wearing them want results, not the oohs and ahhs from their legion of fans.

There are a few ways suspenders attach to pants. Traditionally, they had slotted leather ends that slipped over buttons sewn in the pants. They are still made for both TBCMaS and TWM, but for separate reasons. For TBCMaS, they leave the pants fabric untouched. For TWM they’ll hold on under any conditions, up to and probably even including The Apocalypse.

The more common attachment is a metal clamp with teeth that hold on the pants’ waistline. Because they’re all made of cheap metal, they have some downsides. One is they weaken and slip off (sometimes right out of the box). Another is they will hold fine, but will also chomp through the material — even thick material like Carhartts and Levis. But since the folks wearing those pants are usually outdoor workers like loggers and construction workers, their pants will self-destruct en toto before the waistband wear will be a hassle.

The third problem is since the clamps are crappy metal, they will inevitably fall apart. And since the Suspender Cartel is a venal lot, the clamps can’t be replaced. Soooo…lose a clamp, lose the whole rig. It’s but one more Capitalist’s Dream Come True.

While those attachments are the old standbys, improvements to them have recently appeared on the suspender scene.

One is a loop that attaches directly to your belt. This guarantees it’ll hold, it won’t harm the fabric, and it won’t fall apart.

The others attach to your pants’ belt loops. They also hold under any conditions and won’t harm the pants proper. They also seem to also be breakproof, but only time will tell on that score. Probably the worst that could go wrong would be they eventually yank out your belt loop, in which case ten minutes with needle and thread would make it pukka again.

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Supporting examples

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In case you haven’t gathered by now, I’m an unabashed, and long-time, suspender lover.

I got my first ones when I got my first pair of woolies, back in the mid-’70s.

(Dope Note: While woolies could refer to any woolen pants, in these climes it refers specifically to the massively thick and wonderfully warm pants, usually forest green or Malone plaid. They were once de rigeur for thems what worked outdoors in the Adirondack winters, but due to increasing cost and fashion changes, have sadly become an endangered species.) Suspenders were no fashion statement with woolies. Given their weight with pockets full of rye, wallet, coins, jacknife, Bag Balm, compass, notebook, an anvil or two, and maybe a Leatherman and flashlight in belt holsters, the only other way to keep your pants up, other than with suspenders, would be to pop rivet them to your rib cage.

While my suspender shtick started with woolies, as the years passed and so did my abs of steel, suspenders became a mandatory part of my daily wardrobe. Simply put, no longer pulling up my pants every ten minutes and/or feeling like I was wearing a whalebone corset was all the reason I needed. It’s also all the reason I’ll EVER need.

Now a caveat: Many men I know refuse to wear suspenders. It’s not because they don’t suffer from PS (Pantaloon Slippage), because they sure do. Instead, they think suspenders make men look like rubes, yokels, and complete hicks from the sticks. It’s futile to argue with them, so I don’t. In fact, I’m so sensitive to their feelings I never point out that even wearing a belt, they don’t look at all like high powered Gothamite stockbrokers or shysters. Instead, they look like rubes, yokels, and hicks from the sticks — just like the rest of us.

And now, your latest lesson on suspenders over, let me go over the readers’ comments I mentioned at the column’s start. (And you thought I forgot? The nerve!) The first was from my pal Jen Zahn who simply said, “I love suspenders on men.” I immediately emailed her and asked what she was doing on Saturday night. I still haven’t heard back, so I assume her computer’s broken and she lost her cellphone.

The second was from Lucy Duprey who said, “How about the fellas that wear both a belt and suspenders at the same time?”

Good question, and I think there are two answers. One, it can be a style thing. To most men a belt is a required wardrobe item; they think not having a belt makes their outfit look unfinished. And Two, it can have a practical reason: There are guys, who probably due to some gene or chromosome or one of those tiny things, simply cannot leave their pockets empty…or even reasonably full. Instead, their pockets look like cornucopias designed by the folks at Coakley’s Hardware. So since there’s no room at the inn, so to speak, they can have holsters on their belts that’ll hold multi-tools, cellphones, small Vise Grips, and maybe, to deal with pesky dogs, a Saron canister.

My third and final comment came from Jerrie VanOrtwick Walsh, Saranac Lake ex-pat, now a denizen of Upper Tupper. She said that after reading my column, her husband Tom announced was going to start wearing suspenders again. She said — and I quote: “I told him absolutely not!”

The only reply I could come up with was: Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in this family, figuratively … as well as who HALF-wears them — literally.