I’m the first to admit that I was a full supporter of bribing my children. If I could get them to clean their rooms or complete a chore list without nagging them, I was ready to celebrate. The nagging took up so much time that the need to eliminate it became a series of consequences and rewards. I became a detective to search for what worked for each child.

For a while, just the threat of withholding dessert was enough. My son would barrel through his family obligation at the thought of not getting a sweet. My daughter turned each consequence into a theatrical performance. If she had to sweep the porch, she showed up dressed like Cinderella. If she didn’t get dessert, we had dinner with Little Orphan Annie.

I began to wonder who was holding me accountable for my behavior. Since I’m an adult and responsible for myself and others, I needed checks and balances. Thankfully, my husband was there. I realize not everyone is lucky to have a nearby support system. I also gave my children control over some of my actions. Did I complete my chores on the chart? Did I say a “bad word?” (I may or may not have solely funded the Swear Jar.) Did I count to 10 or leave the room before saying something snarky? Did I raise my voice? Yes, I did. Do I need a time-out? Always. I did view my time-out as a reward, not a consequence.

For my children, it showed them that everyone has tasks to complete. We weren’t dictators and they were an integral part of the structure. We needed to work together. I believe that realization allowed them to grow into accomplishing more complex tasks like helping to snow blow or mow lawns, which eventually led them to see what needed to be done and help without being obligated.

Consequences and rewards are not always the most effective way of getting results. Bribing does not always translate into independent thinking, as children may believe that everyone deserves a trophy. Children are smart and, like little lawyers, are able to find the loophole in any clause. For us, allowing them to hold us accountable did help. However you are holding your family together, I hope you can find the time to give yourself an occasional time-out.