A photo of a hummingbird nest has nothing to do with saying please and thank you. (Provided photo — Diane Chase)

A friend asked why we don’t teach children to say “yes, please” and “no, thank you.” I didn’t know what she meant. Don’t we try to be good parents and teach our kids manners? She waved her hand and explained that she was referring to consistently using the words please and thank you after yes and no. She wondered why we don’t teach the phrase automatically rather than the singular word.

As we walked, I tossed out all sorts of incidents to see if I could find the exception to her statement. There are a few. “Did you do your homework?” is one of them. Saying “yes, please” wouldn’t answer the question and the child would probably get a few bewildering looks.

There is also the argument against “forced politeness.” According to Psychology Today, forced politeness can be an act of emotional suppression. Making a child mimic polite phrases without being able to process disappointment demonstrated a drain of the children’s emotional control resources.

This research highlights gift-giving in kindergarten-age classrooms. If a child receives a disappointing present and is forced to say thank you, the emotional suppression negatively affects performance with other tasks. The workaround was to help children have internal conversations. The goal is to learn to show appreciation for the act of gifting rather than demonstrating disappointment for the physical object. It is a type of delayed gratification, allowing for a future discussion of the child’s emotions and displeasure. Self-control is a practiced behavior and can be exhausting. When children only focus on suppressing their feelings, they may lose focus on other tasks.

Who knew using the words please and thank you would be so complicated? I asked my children to say “please” and “thank you” under appropriate circumstances. I nudged them and asked them the time-honored words, “What do you say?” I also tried to set a good example. I didn’t ask anything of my children that I wasn’t doing myself. I hope I showed my kids that saying please and thank you expresses appreciation. It is a kindness to acknowledge people’s generosity.

My kids seem well-adjusted because of the reminders or because they ignored my good intentions. I don’t need the credit as long as they are polite in their own way.

Thank you for reading!