Building good habits are up to the individual. (Photo provided — Diane Chase)

I was discussing habits with a friend, the type of friend who always encourages me to do and be better. According to that person, there are only two ends: Bad or good habits. It was too extreme to fixate on two opposite ends of a spectrum because failure seems eminent and real change is impossible.

According to psychologist Wendy Wood, who wrote the book “Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick,” habits are just learning mechanisms. Repeating behavior and getting a reward is the beginning of forming a new pattern. Most of the time, we don’t even realize our habits, such as brushing our teeth, locking doors or turning off lights. Building a good practice isn’t about how much we exert control over a particular routine; it’s about consistency.

Wood differentiates between self-control and habits. (I didn’t realize there was a difference.) Self-control is based on four factors: Impulse, physical, emotional and concentration. It is learning to adapt. It seems to me that putting self-control in charge of changing habits is like putting a bully in charge of the playground. We may be able to bully our way into accomplishing a few things that we hate, but it’s not sustainable to white-knuckle through fundamental change. It’s just a matter of time before chaos happens and we’re back to our old ways. Thank you, sleeve of Thin Mint cookies.

As I’m looking through my good and bad habits, I like the philosophy of equating habit-forming to building a house. A good foundation, and then every day, something is added to the overall structure. Research also shows that it generally takes 21-28 days to create a new habit and over 90 days to become routine. The catchy name is the 21/90 rule.

I need to rethink all my habits (for good and bad) and stick them in a different category, perhaps to be known as good habit adjacent, where I don’t worry so much about whether I lack self-control or happen to like baked goods. I don’t stress about constantly changing myself, but I look at what I think as OK. I’ll contemplate that while I finish off the Girl Scout cookies.