Struggles don’t show up the same for everyone. (Provided photo — Diane Chase)

Recently, one of my children could not find their way out of a problem of their creation. Before I throw my children under the bus, I want to clarify that my kid was never in trouble or danger. The child in question tried to fix the situation by repeatedly attempting the same solution. It had a tornado effect, pulling more problems into the vortex.

Of course, I knew how to rectify the situation from where I was sitting. I knew I could fix the anguish and anxiety, but what would happen the next time? It feels easier to remedy the mess than let our children find solutions. Some of the most challenging parenting I’ve ever done is letting my children make mistakes. Again, let’s clarify. I’m not talking about allowing children to make irretrievable errors. I’m saying I want my kids sometimes to fail, learn from their mistakes and express fear. I want to help them to use the obstacle.

Using the obstacle is different from free-range parenting or looking for the positive. It isn’t a completely hands-off approach. When our children fall into a life pothole, we want them to learn to recognize it, jump over it, or go around it. As we all know, it doesn’t always work that way. I want my children to learn to take a step back and take time to process the struggle instead of continuing to press forward to “make” something happen. It is better to try to find out how to avoid making the same mistake again rather than wishing for a different outcome. I hope my kids learn to appreciate the highs while maneuvering through the hindrances.

I’ve always felt the philosophy of always looking for the positive to be somewhat frustrating. When we ask children to look “on the sunny side of life,” we miss the opportunity to teach. We certainly need to be optimistic, but sometimes bad, frustrating, heartbreaking things happen. If we only present our kids with the need to be happy, how do we help them soothe themselves?

Sometimes the most significant help I can be to my children is to listen. My next step is to ask them how they plan to use the obstacles to avoid similar stumbling blocks. I want my children to know they can come to me for advice and empathy. I may not be willing to repair the circumstances. They have plenty of successes; there are the times when I ask about their day, and they sassily reply, “I used the obstacles.” Mission accomplished.