Christopher Walken is the Chuck Norris of awesomeness. Like James Lipton - the host of "Inside the Actor's Studio" - and a drunken David Hasselhhoff, Walken doesn't have to try to be funny. He just is.
Christopher Walken is the reason why an entire generation of people cannot seem to get enough cowbell. He is a surprisingly spry dancer in Fatboy Slim's video for "Weapon of Choice." And his monologue in "Pulp Fiction" is the stuff therapy sessions are made of.
So, upon hearing that there was a video of him telling the story of "The Three Little Pigs" to a live audience, I didn't just put it on my "to do list": I actually got it done.
As The Continental might ask, “Must you scurry so soon, my little squirrel?” Well, with the amount of YouTube Walken material at your disposal, you won’t be scurrying anywhere anytime soon.
And, as he would say, "Wow."
"Hello children," Walken says to the audience. "Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
"Once upon a time there were three little pigs."
And off he goes, with his trademark speech patterns cranked up to 11, telling the story like it was meant to be told. What I want to know is: Who thought this up? Because whoever they are, they deserve a cookie.
Of course, like Chuck Norris jokes and Grape Nuts, there's a lot more where that came from.
There's a whole culture of Christopher Walken impersonators on YouTube. Some are good, some are not so good.
There's a video called "Cooking with Christopher Walken," which is great. Kevin Pollack, Eddie Izzard and Kevin Spacey all weigh in with some solid impressions as well. And there are even a few "how-to" videos so you can put your own spin on the Walkmeister.
Bottom line: I'm not sure what you're doing at this very moment, but you should probably be reading this article as you're walking to a computer to watch these videos.
"But, Geoff, my boss has this firewall that blocks YouTube, and I'm at work right now."
Just leave. Go home. Now. No notice. Sha-clackey.*
"But Geoff, I'm kind of on thin ice already at work."
Explain to your boss that you have a fever - and the only prescription is more Christopher Walken.
He or she will *probably* understand.
Have a non-Christopher Walken video you'd like to see featured? E-mail suggestions to Geoff at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Tenacious D reference.