Dear dream journal:
I had the strangest dream last night. Yes, it's coming back to me now - I woke up disoriented, confused. What had become of me? Did I go to Roomers last night? And what are those white spots on my wing covers?
Soon, it became clear: Indeed, I had awoken as a beetle. Of course, I was not just any beetle. Is life ever that simple? No. I had become, of all things, an Asian Long-Horned Beetle.
Hundreds of feet off the ground and without ropes, Dan Osman — perhaps unnecessarily(?) — leaps to a handhold on the Bear’s Reach climbing route at Lover’s Leap, California.
(Image courtesy of YouTube)
No matter. I am hungry. It's breakfast time, and I need food. Though, a mimosa would be nice. But wait - a mimosa tree would be better! Oh yes!
But no! I mustn't - this is why the people hate me so: Because of my invasive tendencies. And yet, my mind wanders: Do we have any maple trees in the neighborhood? I think I remember there being a fat little elm down the street.
The dream was, by definition, Kafkaesque. I was confused. I felt alienated - my unwieldy antennae were not meant for the constraints of the Tudor-style Cure Cottage in which I awoke.
Dan Osman Amazing Speed Climbing
Time, I thought, to go downstairs and figure this all out. And tunnel into a deciduous hardwood or two, if I have the time.
In my dream, I went downstairs and looked for a door outside, but could find no exit. It was then that I noticed a mysterious computer in the corner of the room. On the monitor was taped a note:
"Godot's computer. If you touch it, I will cub you."
Whoa! Hey, weird - using "cub" as a verb, interesting. But what did it mean?
Figuring Godot wasn't coming back any time soon, I decided to snoop around and check out his favorite Web sites. There, I noticed a YouTube video by the title of "Dan Osman Amazing Speed Climbing."
It was pretty awesome. This lanky guy, Dan Osman, climbs a 400-foot-high cliff in about four-and-a-half minutes, with no ropes. Heavy chalk marks on the rock tell us this isn't the cliff's first ascent, but the climb is very impressive.
As impressive as it is extremely dangerous? Definitely not. And yet, that fact somehow increases the video's impressiveness. Interesting.
For a moment, I forgot my existential beetle situation altogether.
Unfortunately, that's right about when Godot showed up, and, wow, was he angry.
Thankfully, I woke up before he cubbed me. That was a close one.
Be cool like Luke Hudak and e-mail video suggestions to email@example.com.